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breakups

Time to Let Them Go

Even the most positive changes can be scary.  Scary for you, and also scary for those you bonded with over mutual flaws. Misery loves company.  Misery wants you to come out for a cigarette and a bitchy gossip session, maybe some negative self-talk while you are at it. Misery doesn’t like being left behind in a cycle of suffering while you sail off into the sunset.

When you take the plunge, quit the job you hated, start a regular positive habit, give up binge drinking, whatever it is, you are demonstrating strength, control and capture of your own potential. Bad habits are hard to break and comfort is hard to leave, particularly if anyone is pulling you back.  Seeing real, tangible changes in you is a direct threat to the story these people tell themselves.  Suddenly their excuses are not valid.  If you can do it, they can do it and that scares the shit out of them. There is a chance the girl you spent the past two years whining about your evil boss with at the reception desk will be less than amped up about your new lease on life.  On the other hand, you might light her fire and end up in the same yoga class in Costa Rica six months later!

When is it time to pull back from someone? Any resistance to positive changes or inability to ‘be happy for you’ should be a red flag.  If your happiness causes distress, irritation, jealousy or sadness in anyone around you that can truly stunt your growth.  Wistful desire for ‘the old you’  or constant recollections from a past you are no longer proud of and no longer represents you is disabling. Anyone who dwells solely and stubbornly in your past is unlikely to contribute positively to your future.

Friendships come and go, so do romantic relationships and sometimes family bonds. You can lead by example but you cant hold hands that do not want to be held. If you let them go the right ones will always come back to you as the old saying goes. For you though, there is now potential to supercharge your life by infusing it with people who set the bar higher.  Something happens when you take control and change.  Your vibration changes, your frequency changes and you start to attract and lock in with people existing on those planes. That stagnant, toxic space and the people that are happy to stay there are no longer yours or for you.

Buddhism for Road Rage and Rejection (and assholes)

Patience, tolerance, love and compassion for all beings. Is there anything more difficult? Setting aside the extremes of human atrocities which I cannot fathom having love for, how do we apply these to the daily irritants of our modern western lives?
The girl looking at her phone and driving too fast, the relationship that promised the world and let you down or just the classic asshole. I understand I am not an instrument of karma, it is not my right to judge or punish other beings. Where is the line though? Where do we sit between accepting all others with unconditional love, versus making the world a better place by refusing behaviour destructive to the greater good?
Compassion I can handle. The girl might be rushing and texting because she is late for an exam because her dog just died! I can fathom that possibility, I can tolerate that and sell myself that story. If she flattens a toddler at the next crossing though, I’m going to wish I honked at her!
Loving someone who rejects you, is not what your ego wants. Your ego wants to kick and scream and shout names and make excuses. This may just be suffering we need to take on and allow to shape us. We won’t always get answers here and we may need to sit with not knowing. Choosing to forgive and choosing to allow yourself to be hurt again can seem too close for comfort here.
As for the assholes, I do believe offering love towards those you dislike is a strong practice that can yield some genuine changes in relationships and behaviour. I have tried this and I have faith in this, but as with anything there is no one hundred percent success rate. There will be pain in having your unconditional love rejected, particularly if you feel that person may not be the most worthy to begin with. People who reject love though, now that is another level of suffering.

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